Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
