If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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