You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
