First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
