I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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