my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
