I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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