dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I died a long time ago.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
