Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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