I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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