Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i dont even know how to be here
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
