Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
handjob tips. give me some.
i will never coherently bang her
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
