haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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