I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
