Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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