Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
