Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
