Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
