Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize