we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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