she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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