I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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