Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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