This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
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