I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
