This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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