my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize