If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
