I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
