You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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