As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
