So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize