Pants 0. Shit 1.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i've created a new STD.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
