I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
