I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
