epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize