My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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