I'm so fucking centered right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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