I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
