The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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