After last night, I could never be a politician.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
