Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is Oprah even human
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
