I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
