OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
