when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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