I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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