I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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