Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
