he referred to my room as the tit cave...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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