this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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