hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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