"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize