I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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