i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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