I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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