the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
