fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
