Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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