Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
