I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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