he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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