I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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